Part 1 – The Pull Toward Therapy
You may remember me mentioning last year that I’d been training and practising as a therapist. Not the clipboard-and-couch kind - this was bodywork, with a focus on emotional processing.
I’ve always been curious about what’s going on beneath the surface - in life, in others, in myself. And for a while, jewellery wasn’t quite reaching that part of me.
So I began offering sessions. Not for money - just to learn and gain experience.
The work was deep. Often moving. Sometimes surprisingly raw.
And somewhere along the way, something shifted in me.
There’s a saying: "When you point a finger at someone, three fingers point back at you."
That hit harder than I expected.
I realised I was holding space for others… while quietly avoiding the same work in myself.
Part 2 – Breaking down in Oxford
The next piece of the puzzle came last year at ‘The Master Series’ in Oxford, a 4-day intensive symposium led by such luminaries as Gabor Maté, Richard Schwartz, and Bessel van der Kolk.
I was there wanting to learn as a therapist but also for my own benefit, and I immersed myself into talk after talk, modality after modality. By the second day, something sort of cracked in me! I was a jibbering wreck – such raw emotions were coming up – totally unexpected. And the reason I believe was that my system was saying yes to something…
And that was Internal Family Systems (IFS) – founded by Richard Schwartz, a therapeutic approach based on the idea that we’re not one single self, but a system of ‘parts’ – all trying to protect us, lead us, soothe us. When I heard this, and more about the method, it was like someone handed me a mirror.
It explained so much about what I’d been feeling – so much conflict inside - and there was a part in me which said “this is what you need right NOW!”
Part 3 – Sitting in the Therapists Chair
As I was starting to regain some composure at the event in Oxford I found myself rapidly devouring books and videos on IFS (Internal Family Systems). As I dove in I discovered that the landscape of our mind is a combination of parts called Managers, Protectors, Firefighters, Exiles and the almighty Self - according to IFS. And we recruit these parts in our daily life in all of our experiences and communications.
This made some sort of sense to me but it was all very conceptual - I knew that I had to get some expert help with my own dynamic and fully experience this therapy.
I flew back to Portugal and immediately researched IFS practitioners close to me. Before too long I was sat in a rather comfy chair, tissues on my left and sat opposite Reinaldo, a Portuguese IFS therapist. There was excitement and hope in me - I had tried many modalities in recent years however I always had a sense of trepidation about them. This time I was fully in - fully committed.
This initial session naturally involved some essential education about IFS but, and amazingly for my first session, I also went into a profound and beautiful process experiencing a wounded child part of me. And strangely enough I even had a conversation with him! It was bizarre and beautiful and was my first taste of the power of IFS where I started to experientially understand the genius of this approach.
In part 4, I will give you my understanding of what these 'parts' do and why, and also the possibility of healing within IFS.
Part 4: That Time I Bombed on Stage
The more I experience and learn about IFS the more I am in awe at the genius of it. It really has got the workings of the mind down to a tee! It is in part based on the understanding that the mind is not one unitary phenomena, but a multiplicity of parts. Let me give you a personal example of these parts in action from a therapeutic standpoint…
So, I was 11 years old and a proficient musician for my age in piano and violin. I was signed up for a violin competition in Harrogate, UK and off I confidently went – fiddle in hand. When it was my turn to play, I got up in front of the audience, put bow to strings and then something happened – I played atrociously – and for those who know the violin will know that a bum note really is a bum note. The feelings I had at that point were very new to me or at least in their strength. Internally I sort of went into a freeze. Totally overwhelmed, but, I also kept on playing until I finished (murdered) my piece.
I didn’t know how to cope with or process what had happened so the intense and horrible feeling was ‘exiled’ - meaning that it was seen as too threatening for me and it was hidden away in my system/body somewhere. You could say that a part of the 11 year old Andy in that experience was locked away, frozen in time and on stage!
But what are the implications of what happened? Well since that day, often when I was in a situation where that strong feeling was touched again, for example when giving a presentation publicly, then my system would do what it could to avoid feeling that sensation fully. And it does that by using other 'parts' of my personality. What I do automatically in response is disassociate from my body – so I am not fully aware of the sensations in my body. This all in order not to feel the full discomfort. In IFS terms they would say I ‘blend’ with a disassociating part. This disassociating part is actually doing an amazing job of protecting me - from its own perspective. But the issues arrive when these automatic reactions start to impact your enjoyment of life and your expression – which is exactly my experience.
For those of you not familiar with therapy or similar, a lot of this may sound a description of schizophrenia and I appreciate it is a lot to take in. Sit with it if you can and in the next part I will talk about how I learned we can heal these wounded, exiled parts and what the 'Self' is in IFS.
Part 5: The Healing and the Self
So my developing understanding of IFS is that one of the ways healing happens is through connection with the exiles. These are the vulnerable parts of us, usually quite young, that were pushed away or hidden because their feelings were just too intense. Too raw. Too much for the system to handle at the time.
But in a session - when the space is right - these parts can come forward. And what begins is a kind of communication. A gentle returning. And with the support of me, as I am now, or in IFS terms, with the support of the Self, something powerful happens.
It’s called unburdening.
These exiled parts, who've been carrying immense emotional loads - grief, fear, shame, loneliness - they’re invited to release what they've held onto. Not just talk about it, not just understand it, but truly let it go.
And this release can come in many forms. It might be visual - the burden dissolving into the air, the sea, the earth. Or it might feel more energetic. But it’s real. Tangible. Something shifts. And then, when that old weight is gone, the part is invited to take on new qualities. Joy. Freedom. Curiosity. Creativity. Whatever they want or need.
And this is often the most beautiful moment of the session - when a part that’s been locked away for decades is finally seen, understood, and welcomed back into the system. Not as a problem. But as something valuable. It gets a new job, a new role, a new identity. Not as protector or sufferer - but as a musician, a helper, a dreamer. Whatever it was always meant to be.
In IFS, they use the word Self with a capital S. What Richard Schwartz, the founder, began noticing was that many clients would talk about something inside them that didn’t feel like a part. They’d say, “That’s just me - that’s myself.”
And what he realised was... yes. Exactly. That is you.
I am not sure it would be right to say that the Self is in us - perhaps its better to say the Self is us. It’s our natural state when the noise quiets. And it carries certain qualities - the 8 Cs of Self:
Compassion, Clarity, Curiosity, Courage, Calm, Confidence, Creativity, Connectedness.
The more time I spend coming from Self, the more life opens up. My conversations flow. My work lands. There’s a steadiness. An openness. A kind of quiet joy.
Now, this doesn’t mean the parts disappear. We need them. They carry our drive, our memory, our instinct. But when parts become too dominant - too protective, too wounded - the system becomes rigid, defensive. Life tightens.
What IFS offers is a way to soften all that. To bring leadership back to Self. Not to control the parts, but to understand them. To earn their trust. To bring the whole internal system into something more like harmony.
And I know when I’m there - when I’m living from Self - because it just feels right. I don’t need to explain it. There’s a flow. A quiet knowing.
It’s like coming home.
I was properly introduced to IFS by Richard Schwartz, its founder, and it was at the Masters Events in September 2024 - a brilliant conference with many luminaries in the field of mental well-being. I’m lucky enough to be going again in one weeks time, so I look forward to sharing my experience with you as a perfect ending to this blog.
